HR Retention Risk Mitigation Policy: Prohibition on Lottery Participation

Gamble on us, not Powerball.

In our ongoing efforts to support employee retention, preserve institutional knowledge, and mitigate the catastrophic fallout of mass resignations fueled by sudden wealth, we are introducing a bold new policy - HR Retention Risk Mitigation Policy: Prohibition on Lottery Participation. While traditional HR policies focus on compensation, benefits, and professional development, we have chosen to address a more statistically improbable yet emotionally devastating threat of faculty and staff winning the lottery and leaving our college.

Retention Risk Mitigation Policy

Policy Title: Prohibition on Lottery Participation

Policy Number: HR-LOL-007

Effective Date: Immediately (and retroactively, just to be safe)

Approved By: HR, Legal, and a few very worried department chairs

Applies To: All faculty and staff

1. Purpose

To preserve institutional stability, maintain workforce continuity, and avoid the mass loss of faculty and staff due to life-altering jackpot winnings, this policy aims to discourage participation in activities that may result in sudden, irresistible wealth.

2. Policy Statement

Employees are strictly prohibited from participating in any form of lottery, including but not limited to:

• State or multi-state lottery drawings

• Scratch-off tickets

• Office lottery pools

• High-stakes bingo tournaments that pay out in cash or beachfront property

  
  

Organizing, promoting, or even whispering about office lottery pools is considered a violation of this policy and an indicator of reckless disregard for institutional loyalty.

3. Rationale

Our faculty and staff are irreplaceable. The sudden departure of employees who win millions poses a significant risk to operational continuity, institutional memory, and morale. This policy, though unenforceable, serves as a loving reminder that we value our people too much to see them whisked away to a tropical island or private yacht.

4. Guidelines

• HR reserves the right to guilt-trip any departing millionaire indefinitely.

• Relocation to locations on HR’s No-Hire List (e.g., Fiji, the Amalfi Coast, or any zip code with the word “vineyard” in it) will be interpreted as a clear signal of job abandonment.

  
  

5. Alternatives to Lottery Participation

Employees seeking excitement, escape, or the thrill of possibility are encouraged to bet on the long-term success of our college instead. The odds of fulfillment here are significantly higher, and there are far fewer tax implications.

6. Statistical Advisory

Recent data shows that the odds of winning Powerball are lower than the odds of being struck by lightning and attacked by a shark at the same time. Accordingly, managers are advised to support evidence-based optimism.

7. Manager Note

This policy is included in the Manager Handbook as a preventive strategy for departmental stability. In the unlikely event that multiple team members threaten to resign simultaneously due to a sudden influx of wealth, managers should consult HR immediately and refer to Manager Appendix D: How to Staff a Department When Everyone Moves to Belize.

8. Philanthropy Opportunities

Should an employee disregard this policy, win a substantial lottery prize, and choose to pursue early retirement in a tax-favorable climate, the college will be delighted to offer naming rights in honor of their legacy and financial stability.

Options include (but are not limited to):

• Their former workspace, whether a spacious office or cubicle, with a tasteful plaque and commemorative stapler.

• A classroom or hallway (length of naming opportunity may vary by square footage and donation amount)

• The shared coffee station in the breakroom

• Permanent closure of their campus mailbox slot, to be ceremonially sealed in the tradition of professional sports jersey retirements.

• Exclusive naming rights to a campus bathroom stall, with an optional engraved plaque reading “This stall sponsored by someone who got out”

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Employees wishing to support the college’s mission from a beachside villa are encouraged to contact the Office of Advancement. Naming opportunities can be arranged with quiet discretion or with dramatic flair, depending on the preference and donation size.